Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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