I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
