i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
