i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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