So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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