i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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