My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
God, I missed his penis.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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