highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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