i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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