My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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