The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
