I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
