can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
