In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
