she looked like the before picture.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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