I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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