At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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