I wish I could punch you in the face.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
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My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
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and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize