I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
