I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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