i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
there is glitter all over my balls
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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