Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
