Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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