shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
