Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
