Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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