Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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