the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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