I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
