i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
