margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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