First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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