....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
