your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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