if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize