soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Still dying that you shit outside
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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