I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
