my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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