dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
