I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
How does it feel to date your dad?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
