Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
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