he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
