You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
