She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I have fence marks all over my body
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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