Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
We had to coat check the pizza.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
