Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
