I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
