I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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