and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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