I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
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