Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
