i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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