it's too hot outside to masturbate.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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