wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
