I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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