omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I checked into jail on foursquare
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
