Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
that is very illegal...i love you.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
